The loss I am referring to may be through death, divorce or abandonment.
The manifestations of grief symptoms in children are not always the same as those in adults. And often children become forgotten mourners.
We lost a close family friend last Friday. As I watched the grieving family, the words of Suzy Yehl Marta (founder and president of Rainbows, USA) came rushing through my mind.
“Children grieve in spurts. When a family goes through a loss the children are often forgotten or ignored.” Suzy trained and certified me over a decade ago as an international director to train and set up grief support groups.
When adults see a grieving child playing and laughing, they think the child is fine and coping well. But a child can be happy and laughing one moment and then suddenly be sad and pensive the next.
Adults often believe that children are resilient and will bounce back. But this is not completely true.
Sadly, many adults may not recognise their children’s grief. Often they themselves are consumed as victims of loss.
And most children don’t actually know how to grieve. The consequences of this unresolved grief can be devastating.
In fact, research shows that unresolved grief leaves kids vulnerable to major at-risk behaviors (drug abuse, joining gangs, violence, crime, etc).
Children of divorced parents are seven times more likely to suffer from depression in adult life.
According to a report, 63% of suicides are individuals from single parent families and 75% of teenage pregnancies are adolescents from single parent homes.
Another report saysa father’s absence contributes to crime and delinquency. Violent criminals are overwhelmingly males who grew up without fathers.
While local statistics and studies may not be easily available, it is interesting to note that in America, one in two children live in a single parent family at some point in childhood; one in three is born to unmarried parents; one in four lives with only one parent; one in eight is born to a teenage mother; one in 25 lives with neither parent.
Fortunately, grieving children can be healed. In fact, with appropriate guidance and support, they can thrive after loss.
According to the late psychiatrist Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, there are five stages that grieving children and adults go through.
Time spent in each stage varies among individuals. But everyone goes through at least two of these stages.
The first is denial. They deny that the loss has taken place. (Daddy has gone to work. Mummy has gone to grandma’s house. This cannot be happening, etc).
The second stage is anger. Being furious at the one who has caused the hurt (the parent that died or left the family), at the world or even himself.
The third stage is bargaining. For example, “If I get all A’s will mummy come back? If I help with chores and keep my room clean, will my Daddy be back?”
The fourth stage is depression. The person feels numb. Sadness and anger may be concealed.
The final stage is acceptance. This is when the sadness, anger and mourning subside and the reality of the loss sets in. Many children never actually reach this fifth stage.
If you know of a child that is mourning a loss, here are some ways you can help:
*Understand that children express loss in varied ways. They may be angry, irritable or just confused. They could lash out at those they think could have prevented the loss. They could be in any of the stages of the grieving process. Though their behaviour may upset or disturb you, it is natural to the grieving process. So be sensitive, tolerant and patient.
*The feelings of children should be acknowledged. Children should be assured that their feelings are as important as that of the other family members. Do not discount, ignore or consider them less important.
*Encourage children to talk about the loss soon after it occurs. Do not be afraid to show signs of emotions like sadness or tears in their presence. Allow them to express their feelings in whatever way they are comfortable. And as often as they like.
*Be forthright and honest when answering their questions.
*In the event of a death, children should be included as much as possible (depending on age) in the mourning process. Where possible, engage them in the rituals or traditions. Prepare them by explaining the funeral process or telling them what to expect during the wake. Give them the opportunity to say goodbye and bring closure.
*Children should be allowed to express memories or recollections. These may be happy or sad. They could use a diary, photo album, drawing block or express through games.
*Try as far as possible to maintain a normal, regular routine. This is important for the child’s feeling of security. Children need to know that although they have lost someone dear, their world will remain intact and life goes on.
*Do not use euphemism like he has gone away or she is sleeping. Instead say something like mummy and daddy have had a divorce and will live separately. Be honest.
*If the child is having severe difficulty coping with the loss, taking unusually long to accept it, displaying harmful behaviour or if you and other family members are so wrapped up in your own grief that you do not have the time for the child, please get some professional help. Do not neglect the child at this time.
When a caring adult expresses sincere empathy, understanding, love and concern, it helps children cope better with the grieving process.
The next time you see a child in pain from loss of a parent, be it through death, divorce or abandonment, reach out to the child.
You could be instrumental in making their life better and their future brighter. What could be more fulfilling?
The writer is a leading children’s curriculum developer and speaks on parenting matters regionally. Jessica believes early and primary education should be fun and engaging. And that parenting is our most important responsibility.